Im dying of a disease.
Shame. It can be like a disease that you do not even know is killing you. It can be the thing that stops you from being you or doing what God desires for you. Shame can trap you; it trapped me.
I was sitting in this room with two girls I am just starting to know. All these thoughts are running through my mind. I am supposed to talk about what I am ashamed of with two people I have only known one month? OH HECK NO.
All the emotions, feelings, thoughts, words, touch, memories… they all come back.
You’re not enough. You’re not the best choice. You’re too much. You’re ugly. You’re not skinny enough.
Those words can cut like a knife. I was the girl who always had a guy giving her attention. I was the girl who dressed immodestly behind her parents backs. (Dad, if you’re reading this, I am sorry). I was one who was one way with my parents, Christian friends, church people and a completely different way when I was with a guy. I played both roles very well. Good, church girl versus promiscuous floozy. I hid the floozy part of me really well. But on the inside, I was dying.
I became ashamed of who I was and how far I went with guys emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes psychically. I let them speak into who I was. I gave them the authority to say who I could be. I lived in their ways in this secret world of mine. I never wanted it. I never wanted them. I never wanted to feel ashamed. But as God is teaching me, the shame I carry has been masked by guys. I actually have body shame.
Ashamed that I am not a size zero anymore. Ashamed that I am super pale. Ashamed that I have stretch marks. Ashamed that I have thunder thighs. Ashamed that I have scars on my face and legs. Ashamed that these thoughts make me feel less Christian.
The shame is broken. The lies are being erased. Truth is here.
I am not the girl who will carry around the feeling of shame. I am the girl who knows God and walks in His image. God sees me as beautiful. God sees me as chosen. God sees me worthy. God says I am His daughter. God says that I can never do anything to make Him love me more or less!
Ladies, I encourage you to ask God if you carry around shame or guilt… We deserve to walk in our identity as a daughter of God! Let’s be known as daughters who are vulnerable, humble, and loving!
I did not want to write this tonight, because this is me with no mask. But God says too, so I will.
This is apart of my life song…
“Now you’re making me like you
Clothing me in white
Bringing beauty from ashes
For You will have Your bride
Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name and it’s why I sing
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips”
-Ever Be, Bethel
